When Sophie Siedlberg was born in 1963, no one was sure if she was male or female. With ambiguous genitalia, she was what used to be known as a hermaphrodite, and her parents and doctors decided what sex she should be. At 18 months, she had surgery to make her male.
It was a decision that Sophie, who's now chosen to live as a woman, bitterly regrets. 'If they'd just left me as I'd been born, I could have happily got on with life and made any life-defining decisions when I was old enough: says Sophie, 40.
What happened to Sophie closely reflects last year's storyline in ITV l's Footballers' Wives. She had a similar condition to baby Paddy in the series, and researchers contacted her to get an insight into what can happen when a baby is born 'intersex'.
'They wanted to weave my experiences into the story. Paddy's dad, Jason, brilliantly portrayed my father's attitude: says Sophie. 'Just cut out all the girlie bits!' and 'It belongs in a pickling jar!' were the exact quotes my father used about me. The whole scenario was accurate baby, with everyone else hysterical.'
Sophie has a genetic abnormality which caused her to be born with a hypospadia penis a misdirected urethra (urine outlet) and undescended testes which were in the usual position of ovaries. Her condition meant her body couldn't utilise the male hormone testosterone.
Doctors and her parents decided on the operation to masculinise her genitals when she was a toddler.
'It was all about presentation: says Sophie,from East Sussex. 'l don't know the exact discussions but my dad definitely wanted his first child to be male for some reason. Doctors said my penis would grow when I hit puberty, but my testosterone problem meant that never happened. I was left with a dead piece of tissue, which gave me terrible problems when urinating. It wasn't viable for anything.'
Sophie had serious health problems throughout childhood, with blockages and infections in her bladder and urethra. She often needed a catheter and had to go to hospital frequently.
'I was always in pain and had to urinate every few minutes, which was awkward and embarrassing. There was a wall of silence within my family. They just said I had a 'strange hernia'.
Sophie was brought up as a boy with a male name, which she won't reveal because of the anguish she associates it with. 'l knew my genitals were 'odd' because I sat down to urinate and didn't have testicles, but I was made to look like an ordinary boy on the outside with short hair and trousers: she says.
'I didn't feel male or female was in pain all the time. I was always in hospital, which set me apart. I was shy and found it difficult to relate to other children. I had no friends. I can't say I wanted to be a girl playing with dolls and make-up, or a boy with an Action Man. I simply wanted to be happy and not in agony.'
Her father in particular was obsessed with bringing her up as a boy and banned anything vaguely 'girlie'. 'My gran once bought me Spirograph drawing kit that made spirally patterns. Dad went mad that I was making something 'flowery' and broke it.
'TV documentaries about nature or biology were always switched off. He'd also rough me up regularly. hoping to bring out my macho side. Instead, it just petrified me. 'I never went away with them on holiday, as I couldn't travel because of the toilet situation so I'd stay with my grandparents.'
When her parents gave birth to a girl some years younger than Sophie, all parental attention transferred to the new 'princess' of the family. Sophie was beaten by her father and at 13 was put into care. 'That time in my life is too horrendous to talk about,' she says. 'My parents said they couldn't cope. I never saw them again, and I haven't wanted to.'
Towards the end of her teens, Sophie drifted into living as a female, which included wearing women's clothing, and by her early 20s she was living fully as a woman. 'l'm sure a large part of it was about rebelling been so traumatising and humiliating. Trying to live as a woman seemed reasonable and more natural.
'I didn't just wake up one day and want to put on a dress few years. But clothes and appearance have never been important. I didn't feel I was living a lie as a boy, I felt everyone else was living a lie and that the whole boy thing was a scam engineered by doctors and my parents. Living as a woman was a release still left with health problems.'
Sophie eventually went to college to study genetics. 'Burying myself in study was a way of isolating myself and coping, but any chance of a working life has been blighted by people's prejudices. I'm seen as odd. It's hard to develop friendships when people see you as strange.'
Throughout adulthood Sophie had ongoing surgery, mainly to shorten her urethra to lessen the chance of infections. 'Things improved slightly, but the scar tissue gave me agonising problems. I couldn't work even if I wanted to. I've never had a full sex life because I can't, and so I've never had a relationship. Without reproductive organs, I can't have children.'
Four years ago, Sophie decided to have feminising surgery on the NHS. 'I was only interested in making the best of what I have, not becoming the perfect woman. This was my decision, made for my benefit, and for my wellbeing. Above all, the surgery would make urinating so much easier. I knew I'd feel more comfortable and natural than with the artificial penis I'd been given.'
Sophie's offending tissue was removed and a vagina was made, although she has no vaginal canal. She now needs the loo a couple of times every hour better than before.
'I also took hormone tablets which made me grow breasts. I felt making myself more of a woman was best, as most people interact with me that way' she explains with her husky voice. The years of trauma, however, have left her reclusive and agoraphobic< she hardly ever ventures out and lives in a bedsit designing computer software. She's in touch with other intersex people through the internet. 'I've been to support meetings and met parents of intersex children, who have done everything to make life pleasant for their offspring without resorting to the horrific surgery I had. I wish my parents had been more like them.
'It would have been better to have left me with the genitals I'd been been born with. I wouldn't have had these terrible health problems, and consequently I'd have had a chance of happiness.'
For more information about Sophie's condition, go to the Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome Support Group (AISSG) website
© Woman 2004.