William's Story
William is 21 and a Mermaids Committee Member.
Let me start with the second time I told my parents about my Gender
Dysphoria. 'Told' perhaps is the wrong word to use because I can't remember
telling my parents I was unhappy at fourteen and a half, but I can remember
crying and crying and crying. My communication with them was through wet
eyes. I had lost the ability or felt too embarrassed to use words, and
crying showed, I suppose, that I was upset without actually having to be too
specific about what the problem was. And it also meant that I didn't have
to say things like "gender" or "dysphoric" or "TS" (words which I barely
knew anyway).
And my mum saw my distress and realized I was asking for her help. And she
did help me. She took me to the local nurse. The woman who used to come
into my school and check the kids for nits. That's how I remembered her,
and I still do although I do vaguely remember that first meeting with her
and my mum, talking over various gender related issues in a room that looked
exactly like it should for a local clinic - squeaky chairs and an abundance
of half filled tissue boxes. My mum sat opposite me and the 'nit' nurse in
the middle. I can recall very few things from this day and the months after
that. My memory has gone blank apart from being able to picture the
interior decor of that room. But I knew that it was a significant day for
me because it was the first time I was forced to use words to tell my mum
that I had a problem, that it was a big problem and had to be sorted out and
taken seriously.
Now, the first time I told them was when I was about nine or ten when saying
things to parents didn't seem hard at all and I think I just came out with
it and said "Mum, I want to be a boy". And although I'm not sure how she
looked, whether she was shocked or matter-of-fact about it, I knew what she
said back. She said "Well, if you do we'll have to move away from here".
And as a child, to hear that, is the most scary thing in the world. All
you've ever known is 'here'. You want to stay 'here' forever and it scared
me so much that it is perhaps why I tried a different approach four years
later.
Talking to other people with Gender Dysphoria has made me think about the
whole process of 'coming out' differently. Many people that I have spoken
to say that they kept their secret in for decades because they were scared
of hurting their parents. My guilt lies now with the fact that I couldn't
hide my sadness from my parents when so many other people thouight it a
priority. I have to honestly say that when I told them I was not racked
with guilt thereafter. It was not until I was sixteen or so (and that was
only through prompting by a psychotherapist) that I started wondering how my
parents felt.
Yes, I was a selfish child and stubborn too, but I needed to be. The first
time I told them I was only preparing them for what was to come. The second
time must have been petrifying for them but not altogether a big surprise.
And it was up to them. I was too young. I couldn't do anything more. And
though I hate to dramatize it, when my parents first sought help with that
nurse, it began a series of meetings that changed the course of my life and
my parents hopes and dreams for their child completely and forever. And for
their selflessness, I am eternally grateful.
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