"I just don't get it?"
That was my question, the thing that bugged me the most, then I guess you get that familiar question of
"Why me?"
Yeah, I've always known I was born in the wrong sex, but to me it seems like I'm two sexes in one body.
I was born female, but even from an early age the male side came out.
My Mum was convinced it was a tomboy stage, something I would grow out of.
I guess she was scared, she didn't understand me. She just kept kidding herself "You'll grow out of it dear"
How many times do I have to stand in-front of her and say "No Mum, I won't"
My parents never listened, it was a new story each day as far as they were bothered.
I've had no hormone treatments so far, and to look at me, I'm a man.
I feel like a man, what other 18 year old girl, has the thin and faint line of a moustache, what other "girl" has an Adams Apple like I do.
You know to come out to my parents was the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life.
I knew it would cause problems, I know I couldn't just sit them down and say "Mum, Dad, I'm a man trapped inside a woman's body and I need to do something about this"
No, I couldn't do that.
So I carried on it life, I thought seeing as I was cursed with this body I might as well get used to it. I was about 9 or 10, I tried so hard to live as a girl, to wear girls clothes to be attracted to men.
Boy did I look stupid...looked like a man in girls clothes.
I felt so wrong in these clothes, it wasn't right, it wasn't me.
I can remember when I was 4 and I made my Mum call me Simon or I'd not answer her, that went on until I was 5.
Then I wouldn't answer to my "given" name of "Jessica", it had to be Jessie that way I knew people would think my mum was calling her son when we were in town.
Some people don't realise how hard it is to know your man, to look like a man, to have more characteristics of a man than a woman.
Then I came out...
"Mum" I shouted to her during an argument "I'm a man and my name is KENNETH!"
It wasn't my fault I wasn't the perfect daughter,
It wasn't my fault I was born male and female.
It wasn't my fault I was a freak.
Yeah...freak...that's the word that sticks out in your mind, when you come out "Don't be a freak"
I wonder if people who don't suffer from what we do understand, I wonder if they understand the tears, the pain, the agony of waking up every single day. To put one foot in front of the other and carry on.
It's not easy you know.
I really hate this, I hate the discrimination you get from this, I hate the fact you are turned down time and time against to work in employment because of who you are.
I am, what I am
Yet they would employ a monster with three heads from Mars to do the job you know you can do.
Then there comes that question again..."Why Me?"
Do people realise they hurt you so.
I drove me mad, to the point of a nervous breakdown. I asked my support worker to admit me into a Mental ward, because that's what I had become..mad...
I can still remember sitting with the doctor saying "If you don't help me get to be a full man, I'm going to die, if you don't help me I'm going to go crazy and I'll die"
From all these years in pain, I knew if someone didn't listen to me and soon, I was going to harm myself with a rage of madness.
No body listens, no body believes you, no body cares.
Even to write this I'm filled with rage and anger at the people who didn't care and just left me to suffer.
I don't even know if any of these makes sense.
My parents don't talk to be anymore, this gender problem I have been part of the main problem. They don't care, they have "another" child now, a new baby. a normal baby...but what is normal?
They don't care about me and my problems...just as long as I'm not in there way to disgrace them in public.
That's it thought isn't it...all they care about is there image and what people will think because their daughter is now their son.
It hurts
I've suffered and I've suffered enough, so I want to help people with the same problems as I have, because we ARE people too.
So I've started up my own Community for people like me to talk and feel like they belong.
It doesn't matter who you are and what you are, or what you believe in. Because as long as you are happy, everyone else can go away.
The road is long and the journey is hard, but it's got to be worth it.
No one has supported me in my struggle, no one cares to help me. But through this struggle in my life, I've met people who do care, I met my Fiancee because of this "problem". I've also been able to go outside and introduce myself as Kenneth without feeling ashamed. I want to take this moment to say
Visit Kenneth's website
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