Hey people, I hear you call me transsexual, transgendered, a child with gender identity disorder or gender dysphoria. You call me queer, you assume that I'm gender-variant. If you don't call me anything it's likely because you'd settle for freak. Well.WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT ABOUT ME?? Ever stop to consider what I might think of myself?
I started out feeling like a pretty normal guy. I still do. But I'm forced to accept being called a transsexual and all that bullsh*t. I'm classified under the DSM-IV and I'm condemned to seeing an arrogant psychiatrist who selects various "symptoms" and "claims" from what I tell him to place my name and my diagnosis neatly underneath a headline he sees as a convenient and perfect classification.
I have to think long and hard about this surgery. I have to consider all the consequences. Well guess what? I would never have even considered any of the "consequences" of surgery other than pain, complications and death if it hadn't been for you people. None of the bullsh*t consequences you force me to "consider" none of the idiotic "think about it" questions you ask bear any significance to me. NONE. I don't give a f*ck if I can or can't have kids. Yeah, it sucks because some day maybe I'll want to, but so what? Do I really care? I can't have kids anyway because I don't have testicles. Oh, big decision. Come on!! What bullsh*t! I'm just a guy. I'm just a fifteen year old boy who's going completely nuts because he's got ovaries and everyone's pushing him to accept his body and hinting at the idea that I could live with it. That really it isn't abnormal at all for a fifteen year old boy to have ovaries as long as the three clearly identifiable physical sex characteristics (ie gonads, genitals, chromosomes) are female. It doesn't matter that on the one hand you're telling him that he's not mentally ill and that you agree that he's really a male, but on the other that it's normal for him to have ovaries because he had to bring his intersex (yes! Intersex! I could care less if it's neurological intersexuality, it's still intersexuality because I'm not changing sex, I was built the way I am male brain, female everything else; strewn across the genders) condition to the attention of his doctors instead of have them notice for themselves. I'm a male and it's not normal for a male to have ovaries and no testicles. It's just not. It may be natural, and it may be okay (I'm not going to die from it) but it only goes so far. It's only natural because I was naturally built that way as opposed to altered. It's only okay because it's not going to directly, physically hurt me, but it's not okay because I feel totally f*cked and I hate my body because of it. It's not okay because it makes me an "exception". It's okay for me as a boy to be forced to live with a body that (for whatever reason, be it natural, preprogrammed inclination or social influence) makes me feel horribly abnormal and gives people an excuse to look at me as "exceptional" or "different" or anything other than a normal fifteen year old boy. I just feel like a boy. What am I supposed to say? I feel like a boy trapped in a girl's body? I feel like a boy therefore I am a boy. I can't see it any other way. Doesn't get much simpler than that.
I want to scream and break several things and run away. I hate my life right now. What the hell is the matter with you people?? Let me tell you something right now, whether or not you want to believe this, it's the absolute truth: MY GENDER IS NOT FLUID!!!! I'M JUST A BOY!!!! I WILL NOT GROW UP HAPPY WITH FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS, I WILL NOT EVER WANT TO USE THEM, AND I DON'T NEED TO GIVE IT SERIOUS THOUGHT BECAUSE IT'S NOT A DECISION, IT'S NOT A TRANSITION, IT'S A HORRIBLE NEVERENDING YEARNING TO BE ALLOWED TO BE THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER BEEN AND THE ONLY THING I KNOW HOW TO BE BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I AM-A GUY, A MALE, A BOY, A MAN!!!! Whatever the hell you choose from what I've just written, those are the only choices. This is not a choice; this is not a mere want! This is not a preference! THIS IS NEED!!
I want out of the f*cked up circle of unhappiness that surrounds my abnormality and the lack of acceptance, confidence belief and understanding that I'm receiving. I want out NOW! Just wait a little longer, maybe we'll start something after you're sixteenth birthday! What the hell is this!? You know how I feel, you should know what this is doing to my emotional health and yet you still make me wait! I don't care if you have to protect yourself, I don't care if everyone else would be more comfortable with 16. I'M NOT! This is not about society's comfort level! This is about MY LIFE. I want surgery seven years ago! I want surgery the day I was born. Is this not long enough?? What the hell does it TAKE!
Send your experiences to for future publication