This is a letter from a pre-transition transwoman to her friend, which sums up all the pain and heartache so often associated with transsexualism.......
Hi Debbie,
Thanks for letting me know what went on. I think she is scared of losing me, I know I never want to be without her. If I transitioned then that is what would happen. Im pretty sure I am what I am, but I want a councillor to verify that. Allison is too narrow-minded, I admit. She did ask me on the last night to dress as a girl for her. I did so, but inside I hated it. I was showing Allison something about myself I hate and loath.
Councillors, doctors and even my mom say I shouldnt be ashamed to be transsexual, it isnt my fault, just the way I was born. But, I cant help hating myself. Whenever we go shopping in the women's department I feel so sad. Whenever Allison is in a really nice outfit I'm happy that she looks great, as always, but a part of me gets depressed.
When I went up with her brother-in-law in a cessna aircraft, as I was looking out the window I felt that if I were to just open the door and jump, then I'd finally know peace. I know I'd be dead and I'd hate the fact I'd never see Allison or the kids ever again. Whenever I've been at the edge of that cliff, she has always been the one to bring me back from there.
Will I ever know what contentment is? All around me I see people fighting. My mom and her boyfriend, you and Allison. And in a way me against myself. I have no fear of death anymore. If that is the only way I can end all the fighting, then one day, not sometime soon, maybe when I'm like 40 or 50, I may take that option.
Her Dad, J.R. once said to me, "If you even harm Allison or the kids, I'll kill you myself, I just want you to understand that". I would ask him to do it too.
I've worked so hard to get where I am. If I transition then all I've worked for will mean nothing.
This is how I feel, this is my life. For better or worse I have to do the best I can for myself, for Allison, and for my children. They need a father. To become a woman will only lead to suffering on their part. Bullied at school, alienated by family and those who were friends. You know how these feel just as I do.
All you want to do is be yourself, be happy and be treated as a human being. You wish someone was there to talk to, that would listen, no matter how weird an issue. No one can hear your cries for help because they are either so against what would help you, or they have something that they are too concerned with to notice. Or they just dont care. And so, to protect ourselves we create our cloaking device. We become the people that others expect. They see a man, that's what we give them. So much effort just to survive. About 50% of transsexuals die each year. All because when people find out who we know we should be, they treat us like freaks.
Is it any wonder I'm so Depressed and sad all the time?
Anonymous
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